Hold

I've been listening to "Hold" by New Invisible Joy for the past four hours. Over and over. I'm not kidding. I can't stop. I need a 12-step program. I seriously miss NIJ.

Going to Jack's twice this past week didn't help. See, Club Cafe is right next door, and I saw NIJ there for my 21st birthday. It was wonderful. And like I said, I miss those guys terribly. Even more, I miss their music. I've been listening to their CDs a lot lately.

And, you know, it hasn't been until lately that I realized how much I really enjoyed listening to them play as I was coming into my own...walking along the South Side, wondering if I'd ever walk along the diverse stretch of Carson with someone I loved as much as "Hold." With someone I'd want to fall asleep holding instead of passing out after screwing.

There I was twice this week with a guy worthy of all that. A guy who won't let me runaway despite my many attempts. A guy who literally ran with me down Sidney just because and then sat with me on a curb across from a pretty, old house with flower boxes. I just wanted to see the pretty, old house with flower boxes.

I have the perfect balance with this guy, and we've put in the time to make sure we haven't messed that up. I'm learning what a healthy relationship is all about. Even more, he inspired me to change for the better--though he never asked me to. I just thought I needed to tone things down. And taking walks with him made me feel better than having meaningless sex with my hookups.

He's great with Cienna. He's great with me.

We play Scrabble. We watch CSI. We talk sports. We listen to amazing mixes of good music. We take walks.

Recently, we took a walk along the romantic Friday-night stretch of Grandview on Mt. Washington. People were getting engaged and falling in love all around us. We hugged and I told him all about when I lived on Wyoming. It was in the 50s and I was freezing, so we kept hugging. And staring at a beautiful city skyline that never gets old.

I fell when my right stiletto caught a giant crack in the sidewalk, but he caught me before I hit the ground. And then we both laughed. We passed that same crack in the sidewalk later that night, and though he pointed it out, I almost fell again.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I just got an email from the NIJ drummer! How wild is that? I emailed him the other day, and he just wrote me a long one! I'm so thrilled!!!!! But that's another email in itself!

OK, so...I've spent two and a half very platonic months getting to know him. This is a major switch for me.

It usually happens like this: Meet, talk, drink, wild sex, less talking, more wild sex, even less talking, way more wild sex, I wake up realizing that I don't know who I'm having wild sex with and that I do it that way so I won't get attached. And believe me, that got old, despite how hot it often was.

So I did it differently this time--really got to know him. Had dinners, drinks, games, tv shows, movies, trips to the park, drunken conversations, romantic walks, tears, heart to hearts, laughs...lots and lots of laughs.

And last night, after a few days of pouring my heart to him over cocktails, I finally started kissing him everywhere I could while he drove us to his house safely. He raised concerns about messing up our friendship if we went down that path, as his past is much like mine. This has been different and new for both of us.

I assured him that we had built so much trust that I trusted we'd be OK in the morning.

Then, when we got home, I tried to be dramatic and leave and sleep in his brother's bed...with his brother. He pretty much threw the door open--in a cute "I don't want you to leave" way as opposed to an Ike Turner way--and invited me back upstairs.

We went to bed with plans to sleep and nothing more. He told me we could cuddle.

I traced his face and found one of his spots along the left side of his neck. It's perfect and delicious and I could've stayed there forever.

It was a beautiful night, and I'm not the least bit surprised. I was totally moved. And this may sound cliche, but I swear it was art. I've never felt that connected or in tune with someone, and I'm convinced it's because I've done this the right way.

We didn't have sex. It was just a lot of finding more sweet spots.

You know, I care about him so much, so deeply, and I have so much respect for him that I won't kiss and tell.

But I'll say that we were both awake in the morning for about an hour, laying on our sides, staring at opposite sides of the room and really needing to pee. It was revealed later that morning during a really cute car ride that neither of us moved for that hour because we didn't want to wake up the other.

And, you know, there wasn't an ounce of awkwardness in the morning. Everything was as it has been for the last couple months--safe, healthy, good.

He's coming over Tuesday for Scrabble.

A peek into me

Someone special asked me these questions through email. I answered them and decided to post them here. What would your answers be?

Things that make me feel good (in no particular order):
Cienna, getting dressed up, getting naked, spring and fall, the moon, watching a great live band, rain (when it’s not destroying someone’s life), the smell of freshly-cut grass, cinnamon at Christmastime, real Christmas trees, making love next to/under a Christmas tree (which I have yet to do), John Lennon, the flaws in people not the perfection, a good movie, road trips, plums, peaches, grapes, bananas, pizza, ice cream, peas, brocoli, my gram, my best friends, that feeling you get when you meet someone new who is really really cool, writing, pink, New York City, a child’s laughter, the way freshly-fallen snow hides all the flaws, buying books, thunderstorms (when they’re not destroying someone’s life), innocence, wildness, music, dancing, when someone else drives, good stories

General interests (again, in no particular order):
music, artistic expression, being a good mom, writing, fashion, long dangling earrings, bags, baskets, art, travel, cocktails (especially vodka with diet 7-up and lime), beautiful girls who don’t hate other beautiful girls and actually embrace each other as friends, literature, journalism, lip gloss, pink, black, pink and black, finding a lesson and adventure in each day, learning to cook, good conversation, the view from Mt. Washington (it never gets old), twilight on 19 in Mt. Lebanon (it keeps getting better), the Point (especially the side along the Mon River), the Cultural District at 6 p.m., Saturdays for cartoons with Cienna and college football rivalries, Sundays for the Steelers and dinners I cook for others, having different cultures under one roof, buying women’s magazines at the supermarket, the streets of Providence at night, the beaches in Newport late summer, baseball stadiums, gardening, taking long drives when someone else is driving, fall, parades, holidays, Light-Up Night (the “happiest night of the year”), and my favorite event of all time which I never miss on television and will attend someday...the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade

Music (you got it):
Bob Dylan, Rolling Stones, B.B. King, DMB, John Lennon, Tori Amos, Jimi Hendrix, Sarah McLachlan, The Sundays, The Cardigans, Sixpence None the Richer, The Beatles, Pearl Jam, The Doors, Marvin Gaye, The Temptations, Bruce Springsteen, Tina Turner, Aretha Franklin, New Invisible Joy, Ani DiFranco, Radiohead, Prince, Bjork, The Cure, Cream, Fiona Apple, REM, Joni Mitchell, U2, Coldplay, Joel, New Order, Thompson Twins, Aimee Mann, Madonna, David Gray, Elvis Costello (the old stuff), Ella Fitzgerald, Beck, David Bowie, Ryan Adams, The Police, Neil Young, The Temptations, Counting Crows, Peter Gabriel, Patsy Cline, Frank Sinatra

Movies (uh huh):
When Harry Met Sally, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, Goodfellas, Godfather, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Sixteen Candles, Serendipity, Gone with the Wind, Annie Hall, The Money Pit, Bull Durham, The Ref, Dazed and Confused, Greedy, Fight Club, Primal Fear, Edward Scissorhands, Pretty Woman, Casablanca, Steel Magnolias, St. Elmo’s Fire, The Breakfast Club, The Graduate, For Love of the Game, Top Gun, Color of Money, Major League, The Burbs

TV (thazz right):
CSI, House, Without a Trace, Sex and the City, The L Word, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Desperate Housewives, Grey’s Anatomy, Seinfeld, 90210 (always and forever), Will & Grace, Friends

Books (go for it):
The Great Gatsby (the best piece of literature of all time), Hope for the Flowers, anything by SARK, Oh! The Places You’ll Go (and most other Dr. Seuss books), Catcher in the Rye, The Fountainhead, Atlas Shrugged, The Bell Jar, Little Women (especially if I read it in the winter), Miracle on 34th Street, Faking It, The Bridges of Madison County, Gone with the Wind, Memoirs of a Geisha, A Prayer for Owen Meany, Farenheit 451

Heroes:
Mike Royko, Tina Turner, Jocelyn, Madonna, my gram, my pap Ross, Kate Hudson, Joel, Lance Armstrong, Maria, Dr. David M. Jones, Bill Moushey