Jager Foreshadowing

I’m not sure why, but I can totally taste Jagermeister right now. It’s very distracting for two reasons: 1) I haven’t had any in weeks. 2) Every time I drink Jagermeister, I hook up with the wrong guy and feel sick the next day. (Note: I don’t feel sick because I hook up with the wrong guy, though. I’m way past that.)

Once, the wrong guy was also the company ink. A few weeks after that mishap, we were both working late--without Jager-- and did it again. It was funny. We were the only two people in the entire office. He hadn’t even turned on the lights. I sat down and had a “hello” email from him. That somehow led to the repeated reminder that we were the only two people there and were practically obligated to take advantage of the opportunity.

Another time, the wrong guy was a hockey player whose ringtone was Journey’s “Wheel in the Sky” which he liked to sing every time someone called him. The entire night would be a funny story in itself, but, for now, let’s just say his saving grace was that he played defense. My favorite!

And the worst Jager experience ever involved some guy driving me to a city overlook and attempting to be romantic with me. I started laughing. He got a ticket for parking illegally. I explained that I’m just not into the cheesy, romantic things most girls are into. He was offended.

My only answer here is to chalk this up to Jager Foreshadowing--the event in which one of my senses warns or prepares me for the possibility of hooking up with the wrong person.

Jager Foreshadowing today could go many ways. First, there’s this company event at an upscale, private club Downtown.

It’s the oldest, classiest, private club in town. I’ve been there before for our events--as my paper likes to tout itself as a classy, sophisticated read. And I’ve been there for other events. Each time I go in and see someone dressed like a Kennedy, my vagina becomes angry. Everything seems so frigid and missionary in there. I always want to find the wildest guy in the room and have lamp-breaking sex on one of their upscale pieces of furniture covered in upscale Frech fabric.

So the event tonight...my work hookup will be there. And a certain CEO in the business community, who has been flirting hardcore and emailing and calling from his business trips, will be there with his family--HELLO--and co-workers. I haven’t done anything questionable with this man, as I’ve firmly decided I don’t do the married thing. I did it once, and once was definitely enough. It was totally selfish and hurt a lot of people who didn’t deserve it.

The odds of me hooking up with anyone at the event are very slim because I’m getting company between 8 and 9. Philly is coming over for lasagna and “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.” Yes, he’s actually watching that movie with me. We will not hook up either.

But he just text messaged me and told me that his brother’s birthday is Sunday and that he wants me to go out with them and his brother’s friends tomorrow night to celebrate. Clearly, this busts things wide open.

First there’s his brother who’s turning 30. That’s a fine age for me--though 32 may be even better. I’ve flirted with his brother before and slept--just slept--in his bed when The Brothers Good decided I was too drunk to drive. I’m confident I could do him if I wanted to--which would be a total Jager mistake because: A) He’s my new best friend’s brother, and that’s always a sticky situation B) He was married and divorced in a year because he was cheated on, and I’d totally hurt him if he ever intended to pursue more than a hook up C) He’s a bit uptight, and I’m totally freespirited D) None of these things would actually keep me out of bed with him--especially after Jager.

I don’t know any of his brother’s friends, but I’d be happy to meet them. They all work in one of the seven Downtown office complexes I haven’t been in yet. And I think you’re all aware of the commercial real estate mission I’ve been on since April.

So I think it’s official. Philly’s brother is going to have a great birthday.